Forever Yours

After months of waiting, the day was finally here, she was finally going to see him. She no longer needed to imagine it, to think about how it would feel, she will find out now. She snuck out of the hotel room and walked down the street and there he was standing there, waiting for her. Her heart sank, she walked faster to him and without thinking she flung her arms around him. She couldn’t believe it was really him, the one person that took over her thoughts, her dreams, her life. The person that made her feel safe, happy. He was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, have his children, raise them together, grow old together, it was all clear now. He held her right there, in his arms tightly, not wanting to let go. It was their moment now, finally, it had come.  They stood there embracing each other for what seemed like eternity, both of them not wanting it to end.

He finally looked at her, his eyes sparked at the sight of her, he thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, both internally and externally. He look right at her as though looking right into her soul and couldn’t help but smile devilishly at her. She bowed her head shyly, he lifted it up and gently kissed her, kissed the lips he couldn’t stop thinking about, the lips he longed for all this time he was away from her. It was the most magical moment they both ever had. To him, she was everything he had ever wanted, she was his life. She was always there for him, and more than anything that was what made him want her even more, the way she loved him and cared for him he couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful than that. He truly saw himself spending the rest of his life with her, he wished he didn’t have to wait any longer, they would get married now, start their life together now. All these thoughts came rushing in the first moments he laid his eyes on her that day.

Finally, after showering her with hugs and kisses, they held hands and started down the road ahead of them. They only thought of the moment right now, not wanting to worry about having to leave each other again, not able to see each other for a while again. They wanted to cherish this moment they knew no one can take away from them, it was theirs and theirs alone.

Happiness?

What is happiness?

Accomplishments, dreams, goals, I thought that once I got there and fulfilled them I would be happy. Turns out, it doesn't feel like much when you're doing it alone. Reaching that point in life where everything is right in front of you and it's your time to shine is not like what you see in the movies. 

I keep saying that love isn't everything, and it doesn't matter as much as building a successful life for yourself but not having someone to share it with or talk to about still leaves a feeling of emptiness inside. 

I wonder if I will ever find love. I miss it sometimes, I want to feel that again. 

The emptiness hurts, physically. I just want to know if I'll ever meet that special someone, if I am loveable. 

To be honest, I miss him, but I don't know who he is. 

Confrontation

Their eyes met.

Her heart sank. She couldn't believe it was him, after all this time, he was standing right there in front of her. She felt weak in the knees. She was going to fall, she was sure of it. The room suddenly got smaller, hotter. Her heart was pounding. She wanted to run but her legs wouldn't move.

He saw her. He wanted to approach her. This was his chance, seeing her after all the time apart, it was meant to be. She saw him. He kept looking at her until she met his gaze. He could see how flustered she was. Knowing her, he knew she was going to run. No confrontation. He starting taking a step towards her, and another...

He was walking towards her. Getting closer and closer. She didn't know what to do. She imagined seeing him after all these years and thought of what she might say but she wasn't ready, not yet. 

'Hi'

She dropped her gaze to the floor. She was breathing hard, nervous, sweating.

He came closer.

'Hi' he said again.

She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. She didn't reply. Before she knew it a tear fell from her eye. She felt stupid, she shouldn't be acting like this, not in front of him, not after all this time. Why was she crying. She was frustrated with herself.

He saw her tear fall. His heart sank. He knew that it was his fault, it was him that led them to where they are today. He wiped it away and gently lifted her head by her chin. She turned away, grabbed her purse and left. She just wasn't ready.

He stood there motionless. Heavy. He wanted to chase after her, but looking at her eyes again will only remind him of what he did; remind him of how much he hurt her.

A moment later he gathered his senses and rushed after her. She was waiting for her car at the valet stand, upset. He approached her slowly.

'Can we talk?'

'What's there to talk about? You left.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Me too.'

The valet parked her car and she left.

She wanted to shred him to pieces, like he did to her. She wanted to tell him what she wanted all those years ago. She was upset that she got weak in front of him. He made her that way, weak. He broke her, and she could never forgive him for that.

Are You There?

You ever wonder if someone is thinking about you? I can't deny that I haven't moved on from my past. I keep thinking that it's just me that's still hung up on it, but what if he is too? It's hard to shut someone out completely and not hear from them for years because you know that if you do it will only get harder. But what if? I know, no regrets, but I do wonder. Does he still think of me the way I do of him? Did he really love me the way I did, or was it all in my head? I have my doubts, I most certainly won't deny that, and I wish I could just go back to that day and find out everything I need to in order to stop having these doubts and thoughts. It's sad really, but I can't help myself sometimes. 

After all this time, I stumbled upon something. The thing is, I don't know who it's about or if it's true. I have mixed feelings about wanting to believe whether it is true. No good can come out of it, and it will only make things much worse, but the words still keep playing in my head - is it me he's talking about, or did he already move on and had found someone else? I know that eventually it will happen for the both of us, finding someone else, but I guess I just don't want to believe it. We were supposed to belong to each other, I was his and he was mine, why does it have to be this hard. 

This is such an unfair place we live in, I don't regret having him in my life for one second. He helped me grow, find myself, learn new things, and I'd like to believe that I contributed to his life in the same way. I just hope he's happy. 

I wish he would talk to me, tell me what he's feeling. I want to know if he found someone else, maybe in a way it would help me move on. I also wish that we have stayed friends like he promised, but I understand that that would have just made things much more harder and hurtful than they already are. I just miss his voice, talking to him day and night, telling him about my day and listening to him telling me about his.

I miss him. 

Road to Happiness

I think I'm into life lessons for some reason, so I thought: why not share my latest lesson learned?

I recently met up with old friends from way back, people I haven't seen for years. I realized how much we've all grown up, how each one of us is leading a different life now, and it made me happy.

We've come a long, long way. What makes me happy is that we're moving on, we're not stuck in the past, and we all - or at least most of us - are working towards the future in the best way they see possible. Opportunities presented themselves to us and we each took the opportunity we saw best for us. Yes, I won't deny there is some regret, some 'what if' but all in all this is better than the alternative.

So, my life lesson I guess is take whatever opportunity is in front of you. No regrets. Mistakes will only teach you more valuable lessons, so why not take a risk? Do something you've never thought of before, you never know, maybe that's the thing that you will be most passionate about for the rest of your life. 

The future is important, but what's more important is the present. It's the present time that is what we have in front of us. No one can predict the future, but we can all control the present. 

If it's education, then study what you love, not what you think is good for the job market; and most importantly, don't please anyone but yourself. In the end, it's you who is going to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

If it's work, also do what you are passionate about. If it doesn't exist, create it. If you think it's not possible, the you're wrong. It may take some time to get there, but you will get there. Have a five year plan, set a goal for each year, and eventually, you will reach all your goals. 

I'm not talking here from personal experience only, I'm saying this after seeing where everyone has been after these many years, how they've actually 'conquered' their lives and turned them into what they want. It is possible.

Live A Happy Life

So, it's been a while... 

Not much has happened during the past year, but one thing's for sure, I definately grew up. I am a much wiser person now, and I mean that in the sense of life lessons and such. I've learned that in life, all you meed to do is think of yourself and what makes you happy. And no, I'm not talking about love. Love is not everything, it shouldn't define a person's life and one should not build his or her life around love. There are a lot of things out there, an entire world to be exact. Go on an adventure, explore new hobbies, new places, trust me, you will never know what's out there or what you are capabale of doing unless you try. There's plenty of time to think about marriage and love and commitment.

Honestly, I've grown to despise those who think that that's the only step in their lives that they need to reach or do or whatever. I especially hate it when people are not even out of university and they're not settled enough to start a family, yet, they take on this huge responsibility to start their own family, when they're still living with their own. Some people may be forced into this, either by their parents or relatives, and I think it's the parents' fault, they should know better than to force their daughters or sons into something this big when they can't even take care of themselves. I especially hate it when the only reason behind getting married is to keep people from thinking that either one of them is not worth marriage because no one has asked for their hand or because they have reached a certain age and are still not married. The society we live in has created many sad stereotypes that unfortunately people believe in and live for. But seriously, no one can force you to do anything, not even parents. Especially when it comes to marriage, they need to understand that you're the one that's going to spend the rest of your life with that other person. In the end it's your choice to make, not theirs. 

What I meant to say was look for what makes you happy. Don't make any sacrifices for anyone, not for love. You should not settle for the next big thing, but for the best of the best. You deserve that much, I know I do. In my case, I still have many years ahead to worry about marriage, right now, I plan on focusing on what makes me happy, and do what I think is best for me. I want to be successful in my life. I want a growing business, and a life abroad, and that's what I'm working on at the moment. I don't plan on changing my long term plans or putting them on hold for marriage or love. These two things are locked away, far away, in my mind, and I plan on keeping them there for the time being and we'll see what happens I guess.

Everybody Leaves

A lot has happened in the past 6 months or so. I have seen myself grow as a person and mature into an adult. I used to think that I knew better, that I was an adult. I've reached that stage in life, one of the first stages of change, where everything is not the same anymore. Those who are closest to me have moved on in their lives. They all left. I feel like I've been left alone, and that I missed my chance to move on with them.

I've learned to be independent. I used to have a lot of shoulders to lean on and now not so many. There are some things that I can't keep suppressed in me, but i can't share with anyone which drives me crazy. I thought I was over the whole over thinking everything and the endless sleepless nights where my mind won't take a break from rehearsing the past.

It's true when they say that the past follows you everywhere, no matter how far you try to run away from it, it will catch up to you. I made some mistakes in the past, things that I can't take back, things that I regret. I thought that I had made my peace with it but it seems as if I didn't.

I want to start over, from the beginning. I wan't to leave this place, go live in my own utopian town, have my own rules, my own society, and no judgments.

I've considered leaving, and I think that I will. Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for if I do. I need to get away from here, it's too crowded and suffocating. I really just need to get away on my own and clear my head.