Little Did I Know...

"I want to be able to say "It's okay, it doesn't matter. We'll figure something out." But it's not okay, and it does matter, and I don't want to figure something out. I want to start a new page in my life, leave the past in the past and look ahead to what the future has in store for me. I would like to believe that I can go on without you, but I know I won't be able to put these words into action. The thing is, I'm too attached. I can't let go that easily. I've been trying to let go for the past year and I've grown even more attached to you. I like how we're more open about what we think. I've avoided a lot of issues in the past that have piled up and they are what's keeping us from being together. I don't want to continue living like this, thinking that we're going to have a future when we both know that we don't. I want to be able to move on, to find someone new to love and love me back, and I want the same for you. I want you to be happy, I know that you're not as happy as you were when we were first together. We've both changed over the years, and we just don't fit anymore. The funny thing is, I never thought I'd fall for a guy like you. You're so different than what I prefer. I'm not saying that that's one of the reasons that I want us to end it, I'm just saying that you changed my world, and it's a good thing. My greatest memories are with you, and that's what's keeping me from moving on. The thought that we might go back to what we used to be is keeping me from facing the truth: we're never going to be like that again. We said that we'll give us another year and see what happens, but I just can't wait another year, it's too much to handle, and I'd prefer to keep us at 4 years and not 5. 4 years is a lot as is, adding another year will only make matters worse. I wish I can say all those things to you when I talk to you or see you, but you make me lose my track of thought. I love you too much to hurt you, and I'm too attached to you, I can't seem to let go. I know what's going to happen after we decide to leave each other, all the heartache and what ifs, but maybe that's another experience that I have to go through in order to move on. I would like to believe that I would find someone else to love like I loved you, but that's something I know won't happen because I can never get over my first love. We were kids when we met, and I didn't understand a lot of things. I think that that's one of the causes of the issues that we are facing right now. I know now that I need to be certain about someone before getting involved with them and getting too attached because I don't want to go through this again. Staying with you means that I need to change my lifestyle, you already told me how you want us to raise our kids, and I know that I said that I didn't mind and don't care but I do mind. I don't want to raise them that way, and I know that it's out of the question to change your mind. I want them to have a normal life, and not feel different around their cousins and other family members. Also, I don't want any trouble between our families, we've already talked about this but its too big to stop thinking about.

I love you. You are my first love, and I will always love you. You taught me things about life that I never knew about. I was a kid when I first met you, and you helped me grow up. I can't imagine my life without you, but I have to in order to move on. You deserve someone that will love you like I do but accepts the things you come with, and I deserve the same. I want us to be best friends and still turn to each other when we need someone to talk to, but I just can't see us starting a family and having a future together; there are just too many things in the way."

I wrote this 2 days before our talk. I guess I was naiive back then, but now it's all clear to me. Actually I think you were laughing in the inside when I told you those things, on how I really thought you loved me and how I was so worried about you that you will be hurt or something, but I know now that it all didn't mean to you as much as it did to me.

Journal Entry 4

I used to think that love was easy, that once I found someone I would be in eternal bliss and never worry about being alone. Little did I know that love ends.

I keep wondering now, what do you think of me, that is if you think of me at all. I still can't seem to take you out of my mind. I lay down at night trying to sleep but I can't because a million thoughts are rushing through my mind about you.

Remember the sweater I gave you for your birthday? Did you ever wear it? Do you still wear it? What about the card, do you still have it? Or did you throw it away? Did you even read it?

It's been 2 months and 3 days today since the last time we spoke, since everything between us ended. I must say I'm glad it's over because now I can see that we never had a future together. You're not the person I thought you were. You don't know how to love a girl, you've spent the last six years saying that you loved me but I don't think your definition of love is the same as mine.

I want someone to really love me, to take care of me, to think of me all the time, to not forget me, to not lie to me, to be trusted, All of which you're not.

I sometimes regret the time I've spent with you, but I really don't. It has taught me to be more careful when it comes to totally trusting someone before opening up to them and giving your heart away.

To all you girls out there, don't rush into love. It will just end up burning you in the end. Wait for the right person to show up, and most importantly don't be vulnerable in front of him, trust me you will regret it.

Songs?

Abi good new party songs english w 3arabi please...
Any suggestions??

Journal Entry 3

I had a dream about you yesterday. It wasn't a good one. It wasn't about me missing you and constantly thinking about you, I think it was about what I subconsciously think of you. In my dream it was you but not you, not the person that I grew to know and love. It was the one I feared from, it's what I think of you now.

I still keep thinking that maybe there's a reason behind your disappearance but after knowing you for 6 years I know that there's none and that's just your way of cutting yourself out of the picture. I won't say good riddance even though it's on the tip of my tongue. I know that you're a good person and someday you'll make a girl happy, but that girl is not me.

I keep wondering if I will ever meet someone that will love me unconditionally, like truly love me. I want someone that will make me the center of his world, where everything else revolves around me. I don't want to seem so conceited and an attention seeker, but I really need someone to make me feel like I'm a worthy person, I want someone that will make me believe in true love. I just hope that I find that someone soon enough.

Journal Entry 2

I didn't think about you today, all day actually until just now. I'm glad, that means that I can forget you. I randomly remembered your name then remembered you and no sad feelings emerged. I can get used to that... That's what I want.

Journal Entry 1

I want to be able to move on, move past this and start over. I've decided to do that by writing journal entries every now and then just to get things off my chest, or just to talk when I can't find anyone to talk to.

So, here it is. Journal Entry 1

It's been almost a month since we said our goodbyes. I thought that it would be easier than this, but it just keeps getting harder with every day that passes by. You said that we'd be friends, best friends, still call each other, still talk, still check up on each other. Where are you? It's like you've already forgotten me, like the past six years meant nothing to you. You were my life. I never took a step without thinking of you and what you would be saying or thinking at that moment. Why don't I feel like I was the same to you? I want to know what I was to you. I want to know what you were thinking when I told you that it was best if we became friends instead. I can't help but think that you were relieved, like you couldn't be more happier to get rid of me. I'm here thinking about us, what was, what is, and what could have been, while thinking that if you knew, you would be laughing at me for believing that we had something together. We were good at one point, or was that just my imagination? If it wasn't, then doesn't it mean anything to you? The memories we have together, are they all erased? I got used to you being there, even when we would talk every few days, the feeling of belonging to someone was enough. Now, I've got no one. I stay up at night trying to sleep, and when my sleep betrays me I can't call you and talk to you until I fall asleep, you've cut me out of your life. What bothers me most is that you fed me false promises. I'm not a kid that you can lie to just to make me feel better. You could have told me right then and there that that was it for us. No more hi's and hellos. That that was our final good bye. I remember asking you just before I left "Hathi a5ir marra ashoofik feeha?" and my eyes were tearing up and you said "La shno a5ir marra, akeed binshoof ba3ath" I guess that's just another one of your false promises. I'm not a clingy person, and I'm not clinging I just don't get what you're doing.

I hate you for letting me fall in love with you. I hate you for making me doubt myself on whether or not I was loved, or if I deserved your love. I hate you for leaving me alone when you know that you make up my life. I wish that you would just stop coming up in my mind every few seconds. I want to find love again. Let me find love again. Let me believe that there is somebody for me out there that will really love me and care for me and won't leave me all by myself. I just want my life back before I met you.

...

I have found myself in quite a dilemma. I've been going through some things and whenever i reach a decision and go for it i find myself doing the exact opposite unintentionally. I've been at this for over two weeks now and theres still no change. Whenever I do What i think is best and actually do it, I regret doing it the next day and think of another thing that i do think is right and the cycle starts all over again. This all revolves around the same issue, I've asked for advice from the people closest to me and know what I've been going through and I can't follow their advice because they're not telling me what i want to hear, they're telling me the truth and I guess I'm still at the denial stage where I can't accept the truth. I don't know what I want but I do know what I don't want which makes it harder. This thing is taking its toll on me, I feel suffocated and whatever I do is not helping... The only solution I've got is wait a year and I don't think that I can go on like this for a whole year.