You’re Still Here

As I was reaching for my wallet today I stumbled upon her picture. God those eyes, I miss looking into them. It's been five years now, five years since we said our goodbyes. It was so sudden, her death that is. I remember the days before the big news, we were so happy and then everything went downhill on June 9, 2005. I remember that day so well, sometimes I just want it to be a faint dream, something that I would forget one day but I doubt that that's ever going to happen.

I picked her up that morning; I was going to surprise her for our 1 year anniversary. I had everything planned out. I would pick her up, blind fold her eyes, and drive all the way to the beach, to where we first met. It was so cheesy but she loved being cheesy. She loved the beach, the salty weather, and the sun's rays on her skin, it was her haven. And so, as planned, I picked her up, blind folded her, and drove off to the beach. I led her to our spot, she immediately figured out where we were. I knew that she would given how much this place meant to her. Oh God, how much I love her. I still can't believe that she's not here anymore, that she's gone.

I held her hand and led her to where the table was set. Her favorite breakfast: the Belgium waffles that she loved topped with berries and strawberries with powdered sugar and a variety of syrup for her to choose from. Her favorite Starbucks coffee was waiting for her beside her waffles with her favorite fruited yogurt. I sat her on her chair and took off her blind fold. She couldn't believe what she saw; I wasn't that much of a romantic to have been able to do all of that. Our song was playing in the background, "If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield; we danced for the first time on this song. I watched her as she took her first bite of waffles, the syrup dripping down her chin, and her noisy pitchy giggle that I love so much as she tried to wipe the syrup off her chin. I leaned over and wiped it off for her. That's what I love about her, her personality. She was a very cheerful person, always laughing, always smiling.

The wind was blowing in her hair, as I engulfed the fruity smell of her hair. I got the shampoo that she used to use, I just couldn't let go of her; at least with her smell I kind of felt like she was still with me, alive.

I waited for her until she finished eating her waffles and drank her coffee, then I took her hands into mine and she stood up and we started to sway to the sound of the blowing wind. Our bodies were so close; I could feel her warm breath on my neck as we moved. I miss that feeling, the feeling of knowing that she actually is holding me, breathing on my neck. I remember it so clearly. She then took my hand and dragged me into the water with her. Our clothes soaked in the salty water but that was the fun in it, and to see her smile like that, I would give anything just to see that smile again and to hear that laugh again. I then grabbed her and pulled her into my chest and just held her like that for what seemed like eternity. Now I know that it was just a few minutes five years ago. Maybe if I held her longer it would feel more like eternity. I held her so tight I didn't want to let go of her. I loved her, no, I still love her. She then rested her head on my shoulder and we just stood there in the middle of the water staring at nothing just enjoying the moment.

I took her to shore and sat her on my lap. While she was busy staring into space, I wrote in the sand "Will you marry me?" and I turned her face to look at it. That smile, that laugh, that face she was so happy, it was priceless. I then took out the ring and placed it on her finger. She jumped on me and hugged me so tightly and we just lay down on the sand and stared at the sky.

Now, we finally get the chance to start a life together, to start a family. Or at least that's what I thought at that moment. We always wanted 4 kids: 2 boys and 2 girls. We would name them Michael, John, Ariel just like the little mermaid, and Aurora just like the sleeping beauty. She had a thing for Disney's princesses, and that's another thing I love about her. She had the heart of an innocent child. We would have a house on the beach, a big house with a room for each kid, and all rooms would be facing the beach. We would also have a swimming pool because she loved to swim so if the beach wasn't good for swimming she would be able to swim in the pool. I loved the idea of the life that we would have together. I want that life, I want to see my four kids run around in the house, and having to wake up at 3 am in the morning to change a diaper or to feed one of the babies.

I dozed off that day thinking of the life that we would have together. I was still holding her in my arms. When I woke up I found her sleeping on my chest, she hadn't moved an inch. I wanted to wake her up because I wanted to show her the other part of the surprise, the house on the beach. I tried to wake her up but she wouldn't budge. I kept calling her name "Isabelle! Isabelle!" she wouldn't answer. I shook her I wanted her to wake up but there was no response. That was the worst feeling ever, the thought of her gone, dead. I quickly rushed her to the nearest hospital. I waited impatiently as the doctors did their thing. An hour later the doctor came out and told me that she had an aneurism in her brain, that they did everything they could to drain the blood but it was too late.

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I kept thinking that if I didn't doze off I would have been awake to realize that she was sick, then I would have taken her to the hospital sooner and then she would be here with me now, five years later with our kids. I couldn't believe it. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I just went in to see her as she lay on the operating table lifeless. I couldn't recognize her without her cheerful smile. 'That's not her!' I kept telling myself, 'She wouldn't give out without a fight. And where's her smile? Her laugh? That's not her!' I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial for a long time. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral because then it would be real.

I'm sorry kitten, I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral, I just couldn't. To me, you're not dead you're still here with me raising our kids. I love you and I'm never going to forget you.