For You

I regret the day when I said "ok why not?" I've made myself so vulnerable around you that I seem to can't live without you. It's not easy living every day knowing that there's something else going on inside your head. I feel like I don't know you even though we spent the last 3 years together, loving each other and caring for each other. I was young, foolish and naive. You're my first love, and for that I feel like I belong to you. I need to be free, and I know that you don't feel the same things that I feel. You're still living your life as a single man, and here I am committing to us and being faithful to you. I know that you are faithful, that you never crossed that line. However, I need you to myself. You tell me that I am over thinking these things, that I don't need to worry about anything and that there's no point in jealousy, that the girls are nobody, but how can I do that when I see what they're doing in plain sight!? It hurts, and it hurts even more when I talk to you about it and all you say is "7adich tafha, mala da3i tfakreen chithi." Ana mo tafha. I want you to put yourself in my place and then tell me ini tafha.

I hate it when you travel. I don't get to see you, and you always extend your trips. I don't hear from you very often, and when you come back you're a changed man. I don't know why I'm keeping up with this. I guess I'm just too attached to you that I can't let you go.

I want us to be like a real couple. I need to feel your love for me. You never express your love, and I need to hear that from you from time to time. We're drifting apart, and even though I told you that we are, we still drifting apart. You always come up with excuses, and as foolish as I am, I forgive you. I keep on a permanent fake smile on my face when people ask me about us, all I say is " everything's great" and this is how it's been ever since you came back from you summer vacation. For 6 months I've been feeling this way and still there's no change. I want us to change. I want you to show me that you are committed to me. I don't want to just hear it from you, I want to see it from you.

When I was sitting next to you the other day it felt like I was with a stranger. I wasn't comfortable, and I kept my distance. What does that tell you? I never thought of you as a stranger. But now, now you've changed and I can't let you go. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to do it, but I can't go through it all over again. Once was enough. I love you, and it hurts that I do.

I think the reason behind all this is that you don't know how to love. You think that pictures of you can make up for your unspoken words, but they just make me feel worse. There are a million things that I want to just burst out and say but I can't because I don't want to hurt you. I just love you too much.