I'm Not Ready Yet

I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think of marriage. It’s not the commitment that I’m afraid of, it’s starting a whole new life all over again in a new house with new people.

My family and I moved to a new house about 4 years ago and it still doesn’t feel like home. I know myself, I get attached to things and can’t seem to let go. Whenever I think of getting married and moving to a new place with my husband I just can’t picture it happening. Even if I knew the guy for a very long time before marrying him, I still get the feeling that I’m gonna be living with a stranger for the rest of my life. And then I start thinking of his family. How should I communicate with them? I’m very shy in front of people and I hate that about me. I’ve been friends with my best friend for almost 14 years now, and I’ve known her family ever since I was in kindergarten but I still don’t act as myself around them. I’m afraid that this is what’s gonna happen when and if I get married in the future. How would I know if the sisters are going to like me, or if his mother is going to accept me? In my mind, these are the most important things when it comes to getting married. I’m not just going to marry the man I’m going to marry; I’m going to marry his family as well.

I see people around me getting married and going through the whole transition phase and they make it seem so easy, I don’t think that it’s easy. I know it’s not. I can’t handle a house. That’s my sister; she can take care of a whole house but not me. I don’t know the half of it. I can’t cook, I hate going into the kitchen, I get sick whenever I smell onions and garlic and whatever strong odor that comes from food, and it’s not me being a bratty kid, I seriously get sick I can’t stand the smell. The only thing I’m good at is baking and desserts. I can’t do the whole being responsible thing. I’m scared.

Now don’t get me started on children. The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I think of new born babies is “Get them away from me before I break them.” I made it a rule to myself never to carry a baby younger than six months. They’re so fragile and they move very suddenly and I’m afraid that I might hurt them. The second thing is being a mother. I might be raising my children one way and my husband would want them to know things another way. That’s the whole problem with us coming from different backgrounds and all that.

This whole marriage this is something I really want, I don’t want to stay at home for the rest of my life just wandering about what might have happened. I just don’t think I’m ready yet. I’m still young, not even in the market for marriage, not for a couple of years at least. I just hope that I change from now until then.