Journal Entry 1

I want to be able to move on, move past this and start over. I've decided to do that by writing journal entries every now and then just to get things off my chest, or just to talk when I can't find anyone to talk to.

So, here it is. Journal Entry 1

It's been almost a month since we said our goodbyes. I thought that it would be easier than this, but it just keeps getting harder with every day that passes by. You said that we'd be friends, best friends, still call each other, still talk, still check up on each other. Where are you? It's like you've already forgotten me, like the past six years meant nothing to you. You were my life. I never took a step without thinking of you and what you would be saying or thinking at that moment. Why don't I feel like I was the same to you? I want to know what I was to you. I want to know what you were thinking when I told you that it was best if we became friends instead. I can't help but think that you were relieved, like you couldn't be more happier to get rid of me. I'm here thinking about us, what was, what is, and what could have been, while thinking that if you knew, you would be laughing at me for believing that we had something together. We were good at one point, or was that just my imagination? If it wasn't, then doesn't it mean anything to you? The memories we have together, are they all erased? I got used to you being there, even when we would talk every few days, the feeling of belonging to someone was enough. Now, I've got no one. I stay up at night trying to sleep, and when my sleep betrays me I can't call you and talk to you until I fall asleep, you've cut me out of your life. What bothers me most is that you fed me false promises. I'm not a kid that you can lie to just to make me feel better. You could have told me right then and there that that was it for us. No more hi's and hellos. That that was our final good bye. I remember asking you just before I left "Hathi a5ir marra ashoofik feeha?" and my eyes were tearing up and you said "La shno a5ir marra, akeed binshoof ba3ath" I guess that's just another one of your false promises. I'm not a clingy person, and I'm not clinging I just don't get what you're doing.

I hate you for letting me fall in love with you. I hate you for making me doubt myself on whether or not I was loved, or if I deserved your love. I hate you for leaving me alone when you know that you make up my life. I wish that you would just stop coming up in my mind every few seconds. I want to find love again. Let me find love again. Let me believe that there is somebody for me out there that will really love me and care for me and won't leave me all by myself. I just want my life back before I met you.