Are You There?

You ever wonder if someone is thinking about you? I can't deny that I haven't moved on from my past. I keep thinking that it's just me that's still hung up on it, but what if he is too? It's hard to shut someone out completely and not hear from them for years because you know that if you do it will only get harder. But what if? I know, no regrets, but I do wonder. Does he still think of me the way I do of him? Did he really love me the way I did, or was it all in my head? I have my doubts, I most certainly won't deny that, and I wish I could just go back to that day and find out everything I need to in order to stop having these doubts and thoughts. It's sad really, but I can't help myself sometimes. 

After all this time, I stumbled upon something. The thing is, I don't know who it's about or if it's true. I have mixed feelings about wanting to believe whether it is true. No good can come out of it, and it will only make things much worse, but the words still keep playing in my head - is it me he's talking about, or did he already move on and had found someone else? I know that eventually it will happen for the both of us, finding someone else, but I guess I just don't want to believe it. We were supposed to belong to each other, I was his and he was mine, why does it have to be this hard. 

This is such an unfair place we live in, I don't regret having him in my life for one second. He helped me grow, find myself, learn new things, and I'd like to believe that I contributed to his life in the same way. I just hope he's happy. 

I wish he would talk to me, tell me what he's feeling. I want to know if he found someone else, maybe in a way it would help me move on. I also wish that we have stayed friends like he promised, but I understand that that would have just made things much more harder and hurtful than they already are. I just miss his voice, talking to him day and night, telling him about my day and listening to him telling me about his.

I miss him.