Little Did I Know...

"I want to be able to say "It's okay, it doesn't matter. We'll figure something out." But it's not okay, and it does matter, and I don't want to figure something out. I want to start a new page in my life, leave the past in the past and look ahead to what the future has in store for me. I would like to believe that I can go on without you, but I know I won't be able to put these words into action. The thing is, I'm too attached. I can't let go that easily. I've been trying to let go for the past year and I've grown even more attached to you. I like how we're more open about what we think. I've avoided a lot of issues in the past that have piled up and they are what's keeping us from being together. I don't want to continue living like this, thinking that we're going to have a future when we both know that we don't. I want to be able to move on, to find someone new to love and love me back, and I want the same for you. I want you to be happy, I know that you're not as happy as you were when we were first together. We've both changed over the years, and we just don't fit anymore. The funny thing is, I never thought I'd fall for a guy like you. You're so different than what I prefer. I'm not saying that that's one of the reasons that I want us to end it, I'm just saying that you changed my world, and it's a good thing. My greatest memories are with you, and that's what's keeping me from moving on. The thought that we might go back to what we used to be is keeping me from facing the truth: we're never going to be like that again. We said that we'll give us another year and see what happens, but I just can't wait another year, it's too much to handle, and I'd prefer to keep us at 4 years and not 5. 4 years is a lot as is, adding another year will only make matters worse. I wish I can say all those things to you when I talk to you or see you, but you make me lose my track of thought. I love you too much to hurt you, and I'm too attached to you, I can't seem to let go. I know what's going to happen after we decide to leave each other, all the heartache and what ifs, but maybe that's another experience that I have to go through in order to move on. I would like to believe that I would find someone else to love like I loved you, but that's something I know won't happen because I can never get over my first love. We were kids when we met, and I didn't understand a lot of things. I think that that's one of the causes of the issues that we are facing right now. I know now that I need to be certain about someone before getting involved with them and getting too attached because I don't want to go through this again. Staying with you means that I need to change my lifestyle, you already told me how you want us to raise our kids, and I know that I said that I didn't mind and don't care but I do mind. I don't want to raise them that way, and I know that it's out of the question to change your mind. I want them to have a normal life, and not feel different around their cousins and other family members. Also, I don't want any trouble between our families, we've already talked about this but its too big to stop thinking about.

I love you. You are my first love, and I will always love you. You taught me things about life that I never knew about. I was a kid when I first met you, and you helped me grow up. I can't imagine my life without you, but I have to in order to move on. You deserve someone that will love you like I do but accepts the things you come with, and I deserve the same. I want us to be best friends and still turn to each other when we need someone to talk to, but I just can't see us starting a family and having a future together; there are just too many things in the way."

I wrote this 2 days before our talk. I guess I was naiive back then, but now it's all clear to me. Actually I think you were laughing in the inside when I told you those things, on how I really thought you loved me and how I was so worried about you that you will be hurt or something, but I know now that it all didn't mean to you as much as it did to me.